A little different to my normal style - it kinda just came out, like a free write, really. I'm interested to know what you think of this one.
Life hurts, things change and there’s
Nothing we can do. World moves, people
Move, everything promises to stay the same but
Nothing does, and nothing can console us when
You’ve spent so much time and invested so much
In something you thought would always be there,
An idea, an image, a future which disappears like
A light just switched off or a fish flipping back
Into the water, or a car driving into the distance or the
Sun setting. But once you remember that the sun doesn’t
Go down and then come up, but it goes in a circle
Around the world, not down-then-stop-then-up but
Around in one motion and continuous, then once you
Think of it like that the sun set and the disappearance of
The idea, and the change of something once so solid
Doesn’t hurt so much.
Written on Thursday 19th June, 2008 at 13:50.
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Suprised no one has pointed this out, but the sun dosn't go completely around the world night after night, and as well it dosn't stop and one end to return at the other.
It's the world that's contuining it's rotation and revolution around the sun. For the most part the sun is not really moving, at least from our perspective. Though it is moving around the center of our galaxy which is moving throughout the universe which may be moving through a multiverse.
just thought you might make this better with the facts.
I love the way the poem flows in the beginning.
I like the feeling it gives, but towards the end I felt confused,
however, i love the idea behind it.
I lived this poem. I also thought it was a little repetitive, especially with all the continuous sun setting.
[But once you remember that the sun doesn’t
Go down and then come up, but it goes in a circle
Around the world, not down-then-stop-then-up but
Around in one motion and continuous, ]
I think the other repliers have said it all. I thought it was really great. Keep it up!javascript:emoticon(':D')
I love the idea behind this, but I felt it was a little repetitive, particularly in the first few lines (say, from "World moves..." to "sun setting"). I think it might benefit from being pared down to a single, central metaphor. The image of the cyclical sun replacing the up-and-down sun would have more power if allowed to stand alone without so much exposition.
Cheers,
~bubbles
It's an interesting poem.
I really liked the way that it was narrated. The idea put forward first and then the creative way that it is metaphorically described. My main criticism is that by the time you reach the end of the description you forget what it was that you were talking about in the first place.
The continuous change that you are describing is nicely incorporated into the continuing sentence used to describe it, so that is effective, but it's also has the effect of making it difficult to follow.
A like the way it is presented/narrated, however, I'm sure that it could be described instead of told, so to speak. But then, I like it the way it is.